Wonderbread Facial: Horror and Comedy
I tossed the tomatoes in the food processor to be diced, cut some corn off the cob from the previous night's dinner-for-one, and moved onto the peppers. I halved two jalepenos and two serranos. I took one of the halves into my hand, and began seeding it over the trash can by running my thumb under the seeds.
What happened next happened in a fury, so let's see if I can keep it straight...
As I was watching the seeds fall into the trash, it happened, almost in slow motion; two beads of juice shot up and nailed me directly in both eyes. Before my brain could form the thought that this was very, very not good, the fire engulfed my face.
In the next few seconds, moments, what felt like days, I began splashing water into my face from the kitchen sink, uttering a series of pained curse words, my thoughts racing over what to do to make it stop.
I ripped the dishtowel from the pocket it was tucked into, soaked it with water and began to run to the bathroom. (Mind you, this running includes stumbling blind, tripping over 2 cats and a dog who want to know what's wrong, cursing, and an intense burning, scalding sensation beneath my eyelids.)I would uncover and attempt to open my eyes every few feet as i ran the 15 feet to the bathroom, each time, I'd see a blurred view of the next few feet before howling again and shoving the wet towel into my eyes.
Once in the bathroom, I stuck my face under the pouring faucet of the tub, trying to blast out the irritant, but instead, i felt the burning spreading to my eyelids, the skin under my eyes and even my forehead! My thoughts screamed, "Doug! I'll call Doug, but oh sh**, I have no idea where my phone is and i am blind!" So I make the same flailing, fumbling, moaning journey back to the kitchen, stepping on a cat, and nearly falling on my burning face....feeling around for my phone. "Oh, God, save me, I am going to be blind and buried in a mess!"
I call Doug, who answers after the 5 thousandth ring, or the third, but who can tell when your eyes are melting? "I need your help....i shot myself in the eyes with jalepeno juice and now i am dying"....or something to the effect. I went on, panicked, "I need help, look up what to do....." I hear pity in his laughter, but no mind now, I'll deal with him later.
In the eternity it took for him to call back (again, likely less than a minute), I remembered that my dad always told us kids to eat bread when our mouths were on fire from his cooking. So I fumbled towards the white bread I had been saving for my ducks (a whole other story) and smashed two full slices of white bread against my closed, trembling eyelids. God bless my dad, because this actually brought me some relief almost instantly. As I was making this discovery, Doug called back and told me to get some milk to neutralize the burning. By then I was giving myself a Wonderbread facial, and actually got to the point of opening my eyes without wishing them removed. I babbled at him for a minute, and then went back to absorbing my pain with the slices of now-squished bread. All this had occured in what felt like 10 minutes, but it was more like 5 in real, non-pain time.
The animals sat around me in amazed horror. I can only imagine what two cats and a Boston terrier might've thought about my little freak out. By the time I was actually able to look in the mirror, I saw that my eyes and the skin around them were a hot pink, a little swollen, definately traumatized, with breadcrumbs speckling the area. It wasn't until that moment, when I knew I hadn't fried my eyeballs, that I could laugh about it. I was reluctant to finish making the salsa, but I did what any grown woman would do....I put on sunglasses while I finished chopping the peppers.
You know something, that's damn good salsa. Just learn from my mistakes, kids.